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Jesus Christ
Jesus Christ is a Jewish preacher and religious leader. He is the central figure of Christianity and the incarnation of God the Son and the awaited Messiah (the Christ) prophesied in the Old Testament. He has died and been resurrected multiple times. The most famous of these is his first coming, in which he was crucified by the Romans, before returning three days later. His Second Coming occurred in America in the 1860's but seemed to have been only to aid Alvin Miller in battling an evil entity, despite this and Jesus's death(this time without immediate return as he was not needed) this led to the creation of the Mormon faith. His Third Coming likely occurred in the 1980's but knowledge of it was concealed by a group of supervillians called "The Fraternity". Jesus would then become part of a Superhero team of Religious figures residing near South park, Colorado. He would be "discovered" by Peter Griffin leading to his rise to popularity once more. Before Coming Jesus, as an entity was present before his birth to witness Satan tempting Adam and Eve. And Comments to God how it is unfair that he should punish all of Humanity for the mistake of two people who were deceived. God seems to suggest to Jesus there is a way but absolve Humanity of its sins but it would require sacrifice (Paradise Lost). First Coming The Roman province of Judea was not a solidly-held Roman territory by any means. The monotheistic Jews were not interested in bowing before any god other than Yahweh or before pagan emperors. By the time of year 0, Judea was rife with unrest, facing small uprisings from numerous resistance groups (although the effectiveness was hampered by squabbles within these rebel groups over minor ideological differences). It was into this situation that Jesus of Nazareth would enter history, reshaping it forever. He was born to a man named Joseph and woman named Mary, who was a virgin at the time and a star above heralded his birth. An angel informed Three Wise Men of his birth and they followed the star to deliver gifts to him,(though they at first mistook Brian of Nazareth to be him as he was born on the same day in a manger next to that of Christ). The Spirit of Joy witnessed this event and declared it a day of celebration, December 25th became the Holiday of Christmas. Joshua Bar Joseph, better known as Jesus Christ, faced problems in infancy when he was briefly abducted before being rescued. His mere existence and speculation that he was “king of the Jews” as claimed by the Three Wise Men, kings themselves, made him a target of the Judean ruler Herod, but in his early childhood Jesus was generally left alone. Despite Judea's occupation, the Roman's paid events within it no mind, distracted by events such as General Tiberius Claudius Nero and the XXth Legion's fighting against the Teutonic uprising in the province of Germania. Jesus would not be the only spiritual being born in this time. A Roman woman was shipwrecked on an Island, after giving birth to twins, one of which was named Jacob, she was murdered by a mysterious woman, who became adoptive mother to the twin boys. While Christ was 9, in Germany the battle of Teutoburg Forest was won by an alliance between the Cheruscans and the Dwarves still living in the area. During these years, Jesus showed some capacity for miracles—according to the Gospel of Levi (a childhood friend of the young Jesus named Levi bar Alphaeus but also known as "Biff"), he was already capable of resurrecting the dead. Levi and Jesus travelled to Asia together to learn from the Three Wise Men. In Ireland, Cú Chulainn was born to Deichtine, daughter and charioteer of king of Ulster, after she was impregnated by the God Lug, who imitated God's move of creating Jesus. Among those who's lives crossed the path of Jesus several times were Judah Ben Hur and Brian Cohen. Over time, Jesus would learn how to carry out additional miracles and by the time he reached his thirties, he began to move away from his original carpentry career and preach more widely. Jesus’ life was of course chronicled by his disciples who recounted the many miracles he managed to perform—resurrecting the dead, feeding hundreds of people with a single loaf and fish, walking on water and turning water into wine are all widely known from the gospels. Thus, in the interest of brevity, we will focus here mostly on elements left out of these accounts. In addition to these aforementioned miracles, Jesus was also an active vampire slayer potentially one of the Slayers, though this is unlikely as slayers have historically been female, however there is some precedence to breaking this rule. Jesus is best known for his Miracles, becoming the first male Slayer in history would be nothing short of a Miracle. Regardless, Jesus fought Vampires alongside an incarnation of the Mexican Hero "El Santo". Jesus’ sermons were often angry and vengeful and his disciples were regarded similar to modern-day counterculture movements with Jesus himself serving as a celebrity not unlike modern rock stars and his followers akin to Hippies. And there was additionally several forgotten facets of his life—the existence of a thirteenth disciple named Rufus who ultimately got stoned to death and his relationship with Mary Magdalene, which ultimately led to children being born and nearly got Jesus to reject his destiny. Magdalene was a prostitute whom Jesus would marry, a fact that would be covered up by the Church. At the last Supper, Jesus announced to his apostles that he would be betrayed by one of them. The group was momentarily interrupted by their Waiter, Comicus, and the arrival of the immortal time traveller Leonardo Davinci to paint their group portrait. Jesus would be crucified under orders of Pontius Pilate, after his location was betrayed by his friend Judas Iscariot. Ben Hur was reunited with his mother and sister at the crucifixion of Jesus of Nazareth. The Roman Centurion Jew Casca Longinus mocked Christ on the Cross, and was cursed to wander the earth for all eternity. The spear used by Casca Longinus to pierce Jesus's side became the Spear of Destiny. The Order of the Ancients took the shroud of Eden from Jesus, the Roman Soldier who won the Robe for them, Marcellus Gallio, went insane from touching the robe. Brain Cohen, who had accidentally gained a religious following who believed him to be the Messiah, was crucified as well. The crucified could be heard singing the Hymn "Always look on the Bright Side of Life", though Brian himself did not sing. When Jesus died a rainstorm occurred that miraculously cured leprosy. Another life was changed during the storm. Brian, still alive but unconscious during the storm was approached by the Vampire Dacicus, an enemy of Jesus, who heard from Brian's followers that the Messiah has been crucified nearby and that he was crucified alongside two thieves, by coincidence, at the time of the storm only two crucified men still stood excluding Brian. Dacicus in the storm climbed up, brought down Brian's cross and bit him as he was waking up. He passed out from the bite and Dacicus left believing himself to be victorious against Jesus. Brian woke up and at first rejoiced in the sunrise and joy at being alive, only to be horribly burned by the sunlight. He retreated to a nearby cave but was heavily damaged, forcing him to feed off animals. It would take some time before he was discovered, and would once more be mistaken for Jesus from the three crosses. He would be captured and taken elsewhere. Before Jesus was revived, there were movements by his followers to Carr yon his legacy, including protecting his illegitimate son, and passing off the Vampire Brian Cohen as him. Jesus would return three Days later, having been resurrected. Post-resurrection, Jesus would travel to America to spread faith in Yahweh to Native Americans inhabiting what is now upstate New York before ascending. Due to the various beliefs in him, there are multiple versions of Jesus walking around(Deities often manifest into real life as a result of enough people believing in them). This includes Black Jesus, and Mexican Jesus. There is a Jesus for every branch and denomination. Many Centuries late the poet Dante encountered Jesus while exploring the Hell in the aftermath of Jesus's descent and Dante even saw him with the Godhand. Second Coming Jesus would later return in the 1800s to aid in battle with the villainous Un-Maker. He would be killed. His mystical body was searched for by US President Funny Valentine using the race known as Steel Ball Run as cover. Valentine was defeated in this endeavor. Aslan Aslan (according to biographer C.S. Lewis), is Literally Jesus (presumably reincarnated after his second death). I've chosen to take that Literally. We can presume Aslan is an animal reincarnation of Jesus after his second death. It also does explain where Jesus was for the first half of the twentieth century. Creation of Narnia Aslan is a Lion with mystical properties. He was first scene in 1900 by a group which included Digory Kirke and Polly Plummer in England. The two children discovered a way to travel between worlds, bringing with the Jadis, the White Witch, Uncle Andrew, Frank the cab-driver, and Frank's horse, Strawberry into a land which they witness being created by Aslan, who sang the world into being, including filling it with talking animals. Aslan crowned the first King and Queen of Narnia, two humans named Frank and Helen. Frank being the same to accompany the group to Narnia. This started a long line of Kings, though time passed differently in Narnia than on Earth. Aslan banished Jadis, a half-Jinn, half-giant woman, originally from the world of Charn, who had accidentally been brought into Narnia, to the northern land of Ettinsmoor. He then ordered Digory Kirke, a human boy from Earth in Narnia at the time, to fetch an apple from the Tree of Youth, from whose seeds grew the Tree of Protection, from which in turn he allowed Digory to take an apple to Earth, in order to heal his sick mother. This apple’s seeds eventually grew into the tree whose wood would become the wardrobe. Chronicles of Narnia When the four Pevensies first came to Narnia. Aslan returned to Narnia in order to aid them in their fight against the wrongful queen, the White Witch. His presence brought an end to the Long Winter. Upon arrival, he began gathering all those still faithful to him near the Stone Table. Aslan greeted Peter, Susan and Lucy Pevensie upon their arrival at his campsite, near the Stone Table. He asked where Edmund was, yet appeared emotionless when told of Edmund's betrayal to the White Witch, though he did say, "All shall be done" to save their brother. After that, he briefly spoke to Peter, telling him how he would be the High King, and showed him the site of Cair Paravel. Shortly after, the Wolf, Maugrim, arrived and attempted to kill Susan and Lucy, only to be slayed by Peter. For his heroism, Aslan knighted him to The Most Noble Order of the Lion, as Sir Peter Wolfsbane. He then sent the best of his army to rescue Edmund from the Witch's clutches. Alas, though, according to the laws of the Deep Magic, it was the White Witch’s right to sacrifice Edmund, as he was a traitor, and all traitors belong to her. In order to save him, Aslan agreed to be sacrificed in his stead. However, according to the laws of the Deeper Magic, Aslan, as an innocent victim, was resurrected. Upon his resurrection, he then revived the petrified Narnians in the White Witch's Courtyard, and led them into the First Battle of Beruna, which he quickly resolved by killing the Witch. After the war was won, Aslan revived those who had been petrified in the battle, and crowned the Pevensies as the new monarchs of Narnia, before disappearing. During the Golden Age, Aslan returned briefly to Narnia, and also to Archenland, to help Shasta, Aravis and the talking horses, Bree and Hwin, escape Calormen for the freedom of Narnia. He also apparently helped save Cor as a baby, by seeing to it that the boat Cor was on floated to the shoreline, where he was found by his adoptive guardian, Arsheesh. In the process, he helped Shasta discover his true identity as Cor, Prince of Archenland, taught Aravis to abandon her pride and faith in the Calormene god Tash, and helped stop Rabadash from conquering Narnia. When Aravis fled to the Archenland border, he slashed her back to inflict on her the punishment she had caused to be inflicted on the slave she had drugged to escape her prideful stepmother. When he approached Aravis later, he explained his actions, and she agreed she had deserved the shock of corporal punishment. Thus reconciled, Aslan led the Calormene refugees to the council where Rabadash met his own punishment with distinctly less grace and dignity than Aravis had displayed. Aslan was absent from Narnia during the Telmarine Conquest, and therefore most of the hunted and oppressed Narnians lost faith in him. However, when the Pevensies were transported to Narnia by Susan's horn, Aslan returned, and slowly tried to get them to believe in him once more. Although they did not follow him at first, they eventually trusted him again, and, accordingly, Aslan awoke the hibernating Narnians, and called forth a river-god to end the Second Battle of Beruna. Aslan blessed Caspian X as the next king of Narnia, and returned many of the conquered Telmarines to Earth, to start a new life. Several years after ascending his throne, Caspian X lead a voyage aboard the Dawn Treader, to find Aslan’s Country at the end of the world, and to find the Seven Lost Lords. Aslan called Edmund, Lucy Pevensie and Eustace Scrubb from Earth to join Caspian on his voyage, in order to teach them important personal lessons. On Deathwater Island, Aslan helped Caspian and Edmund learn to resist greed, helped Lucy come to terms with her insecurities and need to be beautiful on Coriakin's Island, and turned Eustace into a dragon in order to help him realise his own flaws and self-righteousness on Dragon Island. Once the Dawn Treader reached the sweet waters, Aslan ordered Caspian through a dream to send Edmund, Lucy, Eustace and the talking mouse, Reepicheep, to the shore at the end of the world. Here, Aslan allowed Reepicheep to pass on from Narnia to Aslan’s Country, as was his greatest dream, and sent the others home. When Caspian’s wife, Ramandu's daughter, was killed by the Lady of the Green Kirtle, and his only son, Prince Rilian, was kidnapped by the same witch; she planned to use him to slowly conquer Narnia. As an old man, Caspian chose to search for Aslan, to ask him who should ascend the throne of Narnia after he died, believing that Rilian was lost. Aslan, knowing that Rilian was alive, but hypnotized by the Lady of the Green Kirtle’s enchantments, brought Eustace Scrubb and Jill Pole to Narnia, and ordered them to find him. They eventually succeeded, but Caspian had by that time died; Aslan took him to his Country, a young man once more. Destruction of Narnia : "Peter, High King of Narnia. Shut the Door." : ―Aslan at the destruction of Narnia During the rule of King Tirian, most of the inhabitants of Narnia fell prey to a lie, stating that the donkey Puzzle was Aslan, and that Aslan and the demon Tash, whom the Calormenes worshipped, were one of the same being. A great war between the Calormenes and the Narnians ravaged all the lands. Aslan came to Narnia for the last time, and destroyed the entire world. He passed judgment of every one of its inhabitants, allowing those who were faithful, good and innocent to pass into Aslan’s Country, where they would exist in eternal peace, while the unvirtuous and honorless vanish into his shadow, their fate is unknown even to the author. It is presumed that they are sent to Tash's country for eternal damnation. At the same time, a train crash, which killed the Seven Friends of Narnia(The Pevensie Children sans Susan,Digory Kirke, Polly Plummer, Eustace Scrubb, and Jill Pole, as well as Mr. and Mrs. Pevensie, occurred, but Aslan had them all brought to Narnia. He ordered Peter Pevensie to “Shut the Door”, on Narnia forever, and admitted them all to his Country. Notably, Aslan chose not to bring Susan Pevensie to his Country (though she did not actually die in the train crash). She did not believe in Aslan or Narnia at the time, though it is considered likely that she would later remember the truth, and would one day enter Aslan's Country. Notably, Aslan himself had instructed the elder Pevensie children to look to their own lives and not try to enter Narnia again after the Exile of the Telmarines. It would seem quite out of character for Aslan to simply abandon Susan to the loss of her entire family for having done exactly what he had ordered her to do, though Aslan could have had other plans for Susan in the future. What these are is unknown. Third Coming Jesus's Third Coming (referred to as his Second Coming due to his born again nature) was covered up by a group of supervillians called the Fraternity. Jesus however still remained in the world and free to move about, it was only that knowledge of his return was not publicly known. Al-Masih (born Payam Golshiri) is a controversial spiritual leader. Al-Masih was born Payam Golshiri in Qumar to a Jewish father and Christian mother, both of whom were killed during the American war against the United Islamic Republic. Along with his brother, Al-Masih was raised by his uncle, a scam artist and circus performer. He would study political science at the University of Tehran in Asran and do a semester abroad at Victor Chondria University in Massachusetts, where he would meet then-future terrorist and hacker Oscar Wallace, at the time an instructor. He would also be hospitalized for apparent mental health issues. As a Celebrity WARNING: The Following section has been prone to being hacked by an unknown individual. The signal has been traced to the town of South Park. Resurfacing as a resident of the small mountain town of South Park, ol' holy Jesus is a great friend of the boys, always ready to lend a helping hand or dispense some godly advice. He used to have his own cable access show called "Jesus & Pals" where he responded to callers and hosted the occasional celebrity or the antics of Kenny McCormick, known on the show as " Krazy Kenny" - though he's not afraid to deal with his unruly producers. He used to have a rough relationship with Santa Claus, escalating to a fight between them over the meaning of Christmas (My birthday vs a Time fo Giving) but they've put that behind them and are now strong allies. In addition to being good friends with God and Rod Stewart,Jesus is a crucial member of Imaginationland's Council of Nine (No not that Council of Nine, I said Imaginationland's Council of Nine). Imaginationland is a land inhabited by fictional(and semi-fictional) characters and the Council of Nine is made up of the wisest fictional (and semi-fictional) characters of all-time. It consists of Aslan, Gandalf, Glinda the Good Witch, Jesus, Luke Skywalker, Morpheus, Popeye, Wonder Woman, and Zeus. Imaginationland has the power to create things based on people's belief in them and so Aslan exists alongside Jesus now. Of the Council, Aslan, Gandalf, Glinda, Jesus, Popeye, Wonder Woman and Zeus are the real deal. Most of these guys are immortal and Popeye is a toon and so doesn't age. I have no idea who Luke Skywalker is, sounds like a character from Galaxy Wars. I also don't know who Morpheus is, but we are talking about an alternate Universe here that defies the laws of reality. The Council of Nine isn't the only group Jesus pals around with. He is also part of the Super Best Friends, a superhero team of his deities including Muhammad(Who can't be shown on Screen for religious reasons), Buddha, Moses, Joseph Smith, Krishna, Laozi and "Sea Man"(Who is believed to be Aquaman's son though unfortunately he embraces the more goofy elements his father is associated with such as being useless unless near water and talking to Fish, including his sidekick Swallow, who is Kanye West after he drowned and was reincarnated as a Fish along with his mother who went up to Heaven with the help of the New Kid in South park. The Super Best Friends are dedicated to defending the world against evil (except for Buddha, who "doesn't really believe in evil"). The BFFs who will stop at nothing to protect the world from the likes of David Blaine and Scott Tenorman. Jesus seems to particularly be friends with Buddha as the two enjoyed a trip to Japan together. Jesus's biggest weakness, however, is his addiction to internet pornography - which totally isn't like doing coke. Jesus' powers and abilities include super carpentry, allowing him to build anything he might need to protect his children, the ability to mend wounds and broken bones with a slight of the hand, the power of resurrection upon death (one he shares with my friend Kenny) and of course, the ability to devastate his enemies with an arsenal of automatic weapons. He also knows some good ol' fashioned 'miracles' - of course, you'll need to turn around first. He maintains his powers are real and not the results of being "doped up" - what really matters is farmers in Belarus. Disappearing from public eye for sometime, Jesus was "discovered" by Quahog native Peter Griffin in 2008, though his wife Lois Griffin once publicly revealed a plot by the Legion of Doom to use Adenoid Hynkel to assassinate Jesus. Evidently she was telling the truth. The entire Griffin family except Brian accepted he was Jesus until he demonstrated miracles. Soon after a public display of his powers, Jesus became an instant celebrity, appearing at Paris Hilton's party, on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, at the MTV Video Music Awards and in many magazines. When the celebrity status becomes too much for him after a drug overdose, he is incarcerated, and then decided to go back into hiding. After a time, Jesus would seemingly disappeared from public view, though there are photographs alleged to be the future Al-Masih tending to injured survivors of Khaled Al-Asad's atomic destruction of Agrabah that have circulated. Al-Masih Jesus, now known as Al-Masih would only become prominence following the resurgence of the Islamic Caliphate Organization after President Michael Nolan withdrew US peacekeeping forces from Bialya. The resurgent ICO forces were on the brink of capturing the capital of Damascus and had caused a major refugee crisis in Bialya. As the ICO forces launched what was thought to be the final siege of the city, Al-Masih began preaching in the streets declaring 'history has ended' and that God would deliver Damascus from the ICO forces. Concurrently, a sandstorm hit the city. Despite lasting for over a full month, the sandstorm did minimal damage to the city itself, but buried the bulk of the ICO forces poised to capture the city, allowing Bialya's government to crush remaining holdouts in the country and the last of ICO to be finished off in Urzikstan not long after. Al-Masih after this apparent miracle gained a following of 2,000 in Bialya, who followed him to the border between Bialya and Israel. Al-Masih demanded his followers be allowed to enter Israel as they were of Palestinian descent and it is holy to Muslims as well as Jews and Christians. His demands were rebuffed by Israel and its ally, the Gilboan government of David Shepherd, sparking a major humanitarian crisis along the border. The Israeli government additionally detained Al-Masih, but he was released by a sympathetic guard and would make it to the Temple Mount. The IDF, attempting to arrest him, shot a Muslim child, but Al-Masih seemingly managed to heal his injury, though this event nevertheless sparked a Fourth Intifada in the West Bank. Al-Masih would go on to appear in the small Texan town of Dilley, where he stood in the way of a tornado and seemingly prevented it from destroying the town's church. Al-Masih was arrested on charges of illegal immigration. However, he was surprisingly granted asylum in the US by the judge presiding over his case and was thus exempt from deportation. His role in apparently stopping a tornado along with his prior efforts caused a large following of diverse faiths to be drawn to Dilley and congregate around him. However, eventually he would lead his followers to Washington DC, where he amazed his followers by walking on the surface of the water of the National Mall. However, at this time, Al-Masih would become and remain controversial. Detractors held he was at best a huckster and at worst an actual threat. The CEA was investigating his past and ties to Oscar Wallace. Survivors of various recent tragedies such as the attacks by the Tethered and the Combine invasion of Earth questioned why Al-Masih had not shown up at those times. Many people saw the notion of a messiah returned to Earth as absurd in the wake of the Blip caused by Thanos and the destruction of half the world's population and often mockingly asked why Al-Masih did not reverse Thanos' actions if God was on his side. Al-Masih's response to this was to claim that Thanos's actions would be undone in due time and that it was all plan of the One Above All. His original followers from Bialya largely dissipated as he had seemingly abandoned them. Despite this, Al-Masih retained a strong following among practitioners of multiple Abrahamic religions. He even was given the opportunity to meet with President David Jefferson Adams, who he urged to draw down the US military presence in Klopstokia in a bid to reduce tensions with Russia. This proved to be the last straw for some of the powerful people in Washington, who arranged to extradite Al-Masih to Israel and leak his questionable past to the press. Initially, these leaks successfully discredited Al-Masih. However, shortly after the plane carrying him crashed in Algeria, Al-Masih and an Israeli soldier recorded a video showing that he was still alive and featuring the soldier alleging that Al-Masih has resurrected him from death after the plane crashed. This renewed Al-Masih's following and as of 2022 his movement remains extant under the banner of the Global Brotherhood movement. He remains a controversial figure with plenty of critics accusing him of being a charlatan or a terrorist. However, his following still continues to grow and it seems unlikely to stop amidst the turmoil of the 2020's.